For Jack

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Yours are the only feet I’ve ever kissed. Soft is an incompetent word, smooth a weak synonym, for the delicate pink of your soles. Like tender petals, untouched, pristine, your toes press their cool pads to my cheeks, curling to grab the warmth that radiates. I have been trying hard to name this smell. It is sweet, like the juice of a peach dried on salty skin—or maybe strawberries ripening in a paper bag. It is sour too, like the intimate sweat shared by two sleeping bodies. It is familiar and also new.

It won’t be long now.  You’ll have dirt beneath these toenails.  Your smell will turn foreign, become boyish and rebel. Your skin will wrinkle and harden.  Blisters will bubble in new shoes, calluses will protect you from hot pavement. These feet will walk and run. I will warn you of sharp rocks, misplaced nails, and broken glass and you will ignore me for the feel of cool dirt between your toes, just like I ignored my mother.

I hope these feet will explore jungles and deserts and cities. I hope they will run in races and climb mountains. I hope they will carry you wherever you wish to go, but for now I am going to kiss them.

Jenny Replies to Spam

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It’s been far too long since I’ve taken a moment to appreciate my spam.  When I took a look at the spam folder this evening, I was delighted to discover 57 spam messages.  Most were in response to my Bigfoot post.  Here goes!

American Airways writes, “I precisely wanted to appreciate you once again. I do not know what I would’ve gone through in the absence of those tips documented by you over that situation. It had been a real fearsome circumstance in my position, nevertheless noticing this skilled fashion you treated it made me to jump with delight.  Most likely you’ve never met any of us.”

Dear American Airways, This is precisely the kind of letter I enjoy getting.  I’m not sure what you would have gone through either, had you not read my blog post about Bigfoot.  I was a little surprised to learn that American Airways cares so much about large hairy non-creatures.  Nevertheless, I jumped with delight when I realized that so many of you were people I’ve never met.

Rocio Deckert writes, “Hello Splendid job. I did not anticipate this. This is a fantastic story. Thanks!”

Dear Rocio, My name is Jenny, not Splendid job.  I did not anticipate your lack of anticipation.  Bigfoot is a fantastic story.  You’re welcome!

Alissa Oberpriller writes, “You command get bought an nervousness over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come more formerly again since exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this hike.”

Dear Alissa, What?  Did you just threaten me?

Gilda writes, “I carry on listening to the rumor lecture.  Could you tell me please, where could i get some?”

Dear Gilda, I think it’s called the rumor mill.  You shouldn’t listen to it.  But, if you must know where you can get some more rumors, follow me to my workplace.  Offices are a great place to carry on listening to rumors.

Kattie Ordman writes, “Gloria enjoys setting aside time for internet research and it’s simple to grasp why.  Our favorite child is certainly studying a whole lot. Take advantage of the rest of the year.”

Dear Kattie, Gloria has it exactly right.  It is important to set aside time for internet research.  But, I am concerned that she, and you, show such open favoritism when it comes to your children.  I plan on taking advantage of the rest of the year.  Tell Gloria I said hello.

Josette writes, “You made blogging look easy.”

Dear Josette, It is pretty easy.  Thanks for noticing.

Gregory writes, “Hank you for the good writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to far added agreeable from you! By the way, how can we communicate?”

Dear Greg,  Can I call you Greg?  Hank you for your nice spam letter.  It in fact was a amusing.  We can not communicate.  This is our last communication.

Myeloma Matters writes, “My husband and i have been very relieved that Michael managed to finish up.  It’s not at all simplistic to simply always be handing out solutions.”

Dear Myeloma, Who is Michael?  I’m relieved too.  I was worried about him finishing up.  Now we can move on.

Willis writes, “Excellent goods from you, man. I’ve understand your stuff previous to and you are just extremely magnificent. I really like what you have acquired here, certainly like what you’re saying and the way in which you say it. You make it enjoyable and you still care for to keep it smart. I can not wait to read much more from you. This is actually a terrific site.”

Dear Willis, I have never been called extremely magnificent, but I could get used to it.  I really like your goods too, man.  I do care for to keep it smart, so that I can create terrific blog posts for people like you.

Dave writes, “I just desire to say your article is as astonishing. The clarity in your post is simply great and i could assume you are an expert on this subject.”

Dear Dave, I don’t think I can be considered an expert on the subject of Bigfoot, but I really appreciate your compliment. I desire to say that you are too kind.

Religion Outlet writes, “Sooner or later, Mcdougal will get you.”

Dear Religion Outlet,  Should I be worried?

Oxford Rhyming Dictionary vs. Busta Rhymes

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Ever heard a guy complaining about his lady friend?  She wants him to do the laundry, make dinner, change the oil in her car, grocery shop.  She’s a real drag.  It’s true that some men shoulder more than their fair share…or is it?

Imagine if men had to build a house with their bare hands (no tools!) in order to attract a lady friend.  Not only that, but when the wood got a little weathered, they had to tear their house down because no woman in her right mind would date a guy with an old house.  That’s the life of a male Weaver bird.  Homosapien men have it easy.  There are women willing to date you even if you have poor coordination, poor vision, poor genetics, and atrocious taste in home decorating.  Not so with the lady Weavers.  They choose a mate based on his ability to weave thousands of grass blades into an intricate domicile, fit for child rearing.

Encyclopedia.com says that, “weaverbird is the name for a family of Old World seed-eating birds closely resembling finches. ”

Encyclopedia.com goes on to include a link to the Oxford Dictionary of Rhymes, which pointed out that ‘weaver’ rhymes with ‘cadaver, halva, balaclava, carver, Costa Brava, endeavour, never never, whosoever, semiquaver, achiever, reliever, and beaver.’  Which leads me to a non-sequator that I feel deserves one moment of our time.  Who writes the entries for the Oxford Dictionary of Rhymes?  I could do it better.  I will be the first one to tell you that I appreciate a good ‘almost rhyme’ when used for lyrical flavor.  Busta Rhymes says it best,

“You really need to check your criteria
Violating the world, annihilate your whole area.”

But come on Oxford.  You’re telling me that weaver rhymes with semiquaver?  If Busta Rhymes ain’t done it, it cain’t be done.

Back on topic.  I found a pretty sweet video on weaver birds:  Click this to watch the sweet video on weaver birds.

I almost fell out of my chair laughing while watching the above video.  Don’t watch it expecting a laugh…I have a weird sense of humor.  I’m not sure I can explain why I found it so amusing that some weaver birds are terrible at making nests – and so never get a lady, but I’ll try.  I was cackling like count Dracula when I saw one of the younger male birds fall over backwards because he accidentally tied his security knot around his own foot.  I was delighted.  This is a species that will not accept anything but excellence.  Lame weavers, lazy weavers…they’re selected out.  No one will give them the time of day.  You might be thinking that I’m cold hearted, but hear me out.  We all know one schmuck who sits on the couch all day playing video games and mooching off of his girlfriend or guy friends right?  And that’s fine for him I guess.  But, somehow this guy convinces someone that he’s worth starting a family with.

What??
I just can’t get behind this.  Some might ask, “Where is the line?”   Selecting out unfavorable traits gets touchy because people jump to genetic cleansing..but  I’m talking about something different.  What delights me about the Weaver bird is that mating is based on respect and ability.  Lady weavers have high standards and they stick to them.  They don’t settle for crappy workmanship.  If the males don’t impress them, they don’t hang around.  Lady weavers are like auditors.  Really serious, professional auditors.  They show up when called (the males flap their wings to attract an inspection), and then take a close look at the nest.  Some weavers spend a few moments tearing apart shoddy work, but others just fly away, leaving the male determined to improve his techniques.

 

I’m not saying we as women should boycott all men who leave the toilet seat up, but we sure as hell should be boycotting abusers, liars, cheats, and a lot of the other selfish, self serving traits that some men have.  And men…you should boycott women who are overall poor human beings too!  Stop settling!  Our lives are too short to waste on people who don’t value their own lives and the lives of the people around them.

All of this said…if I were a lady weaver, I would probably watch to see which of the males was trying really hard…and even if his nest wasn’t perfect, I’d give him a break.  No one is perfect.

Conspiracy Theory Exchange

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Conspiracy Theory Friday will happen on Saturday again this week.

Yours truly has started a new job, and is so far unable to manage her time to include a blog post at 6 in the morning.  Eventually, this bug will be worked out.  For now, 6 am is reserved for coffee and reminiscing about the days when I didn’t have an 8-5.

Nathan works 4 days a week, so this morning he got up to try to do all of the things I used to do for him when I was staying home while he worked.  He’s sort of a zombie in the morning though, so things didn’t go quite as smoothly as they could have.  He won’t remember it though;  he doesn’t usually remember things that happen before 10 in the morning.

Hopefully he remembers to drive to the printer to pick up my books!

 

 

The End is in Sight!

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The End is in Sight!

I’ve been thinking long and hard about how to ‘release’ my book.  I’m too classy to throw a party in my own honor (though I was tempted), and I’m too cheap to go out on the town, but I figure there should be some flare when it comes to putting my book on the market.  So, I’ve decided to put it on sale at midnight on Saturday May 19.  Pacific Time.  If the movie ‘Hunger Games’ can make teenagers wait in line for five hours on a Saturday night for a midnight opening, there must be something to it.  Maybe I should buy a bow and some arrows to entice/threaten people to buy…  Arrows cost money though, so maybe not.

Just because the book will go on sale at midnight, that doesn’t mean I’m giving anyone permission to contact me at that hour.  If one of you calls me at midnight, I solemnly swear that you will regret it.  How do you think I wrote a book in the first place?  I got my 8 hours of sleep a night.  That’s how.

On Saturday, I will post a link to the book on the Amazon site (Kindle) and the Barnes & Noble site (Nook), and make the hard copy paypal option available on my website.

Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement.

As a side note:  Nathan has captured and killed two moles.  I can completely see why this is illegal.  They have the softest fur imaginable.  No, I didn’t skin one..but I thought about it.  It would take about nine hundred of them to make a sweater.

Why Do Men Have Nipples?

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Because they grow them!

More specifically, because nipples appear to be a sexually unlinked gene. Nipples develop around week 3-4 in the womb while sex hormones begin to assert themselves several weeks later.  While doing my customary three minute internet search for the answer to this query, I stumbled upon something called Galactorrhea.  It may sound like a zero gravity digestive malefaction, but trust me, it’s even better.  (I don’t know if ‘better’ is the right word…maybe more interesting)  especially when it occurs in infants.

Picture yourself in the 1700’s.  I don’t really care what you’re doing there.  Maybe you’re a blacksmith or a housewife wearing one of those cute bonnets.  Then imagine how terrified you are of witches. (trust me..this is going somewhere).  You’re really terrified of witches.  They stir pots full of blood and frogs and hair.  They cackle and have gross warts on their faces.  They’re mean and like to abduct children.

Ok.  The scene is set for me to introduce Galactorrhea.  Some children, both male and female, (approximately 5%) are born with enough of their mother’s hormones in their bodies to have fully functioning milk glands and ducts.  Milk seeps from their nipples at the moment of birth (and can for several months after)  It is not so fondly referred to, as witch’s milk.  Believed to be the sustenance craved by the familiars of witches.  As a 1700’s citizen, you’re probably pretty nervous that your son’s nipple seepage is in high demand by creepy ladies with imaginary friends.   Right?

Just keep in mind, it’s totally normal.  It’s also medically inadvisable to ‘manually express’ the milk. Don’t laugh.  In some cultures it is still thought that if parents don’t manually express (aka ‘milk their babies’) daily, that witches will find their children and suckle them, leaving a curse.  Interesting article summary : Here.

If you’re disappointed with the lack of real information regarding male nipples contained within this blog post, I recommend visiting this Scientific America article.

When Nothing Strikes Me As Funny…

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Yesterday was a day completely lacking funny.  Sometimes that happens.  When it does, I start a project.

You might think that project ideas conceived during humorless days would be depressing works of un-inspiration…but not so!

Herb GardenHerb GardenHerb Garden

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yard sales and thrift stores are great places to find hideous mugs and vases, rightfully discarded by their owners.  These can be repurposed into a precariously balanced (and super glued) stack of containers for planting herbs for the kitechen-garden.  If I could offer one piece of advice…don’t start gluing until you have a plan.  Also..don’t let super glue touch dirt and then your face…super glued dirt is very hard to wash off.  (as evidenced by my permanently muddy eyebrow, left nostril, and chin.

 

 

Case no. 003 – The Origin of Spam

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This case was opened by yours truly.

In previous posts, as you may remember, I took an interest in the process of internet spam.  Not junk mail in my email folder,  but junk mail left in the form of comments on my blog.  I get to say what comments are published in the end, so I can filter these things out, but where do they come from?  A Spam Big Bang?

My limited research has unearthed some interesting facts.  Spam email was named after Spam meat for its ubiquity and unavoidability.  (A Monty Python reference, I believe) Thirty seven percent of spam originates in Asia, twenty four in North America, and twenty three percent in Europe, which is where my search dragged me.  I decided that to learn the reasons behind spam comments like:
“I savor, result in exactly I found exactly what I was looking at.  You’ve ended my four day lengthy hung! God Bless you man.  Have a great door.  Bye.”  I would need to find the source.  What could this spammer possibly be getting from such a nonsensical message that I will delete without hesitation?I traced the origin of this comment to a German blogger.  I don’t speak German.  I scrolled to the bottom of this blog, which appeared to be a rant, with little to no punctuation, then I left my own comment:

“Hi, I was wondering why you were sending Spam mail to my blog.  Your comment butchered the English language, and the website that your comment links to, doesn’t exist.  I’m wondering, are you a machine?   It doesn’t matter to me if you are, I’d just like you to kindly quit spamming me.”

I hit ‘submit comment’ and discovered that my google Id was attached to the comment, with a little picture of me.  No one likes to compromise their identity when leaving snarky comments on a total stranger’s blog.  Bad form.  I thought it was best to discover the topic of the blog, so I could be prepared for the kind of comment I might receive in return. I don’t have any German speaking friends, that I know of, so I went to google translate.  An amazing google feature by the way…if you ever need to translate a foreign blog. To my horror, the content of this blog was both creepy and confusing.  Bad combo.   I have included text from this blog below, as well as my own commentary (in bold)…

Hello, I want you in this article Share this product How can you get a girlfriend. I Call it “die online method”. (Die online method?   Have I stumbled upon a Spam murderer?)  This is the best and easiest way to get a girlfriend.Ok, here it goes: How do I get a girlfriend – Step 1: First, we need U.S.’m On A Single Or sign up Best Like several pages. The more and dates all the more women all the more. (I’m lost and it’s only the first step.  All the more steps, all the more)  Even IF the percentage of men on these pages is true IS right bit high, you need not fear any COMPETITION.With you I die cavity methods describe in this article, will you point out yourself from the crowd AND YOUR COMPETITION reporting back to you now (Cavities make me want to keel over and die too.  Also, I don’t think my competition is going to report back to me..also, what competition are you referring to?)   A nun, you should be successful Have completed. IF dying declaration folded hat, Can you go over to a nun.  (Oh…the nun is my competition.   I think the saying is ‘throw in the towel’  not ‘fold the hat’. ) THEREFORE Are Women Unlimited fast. (Is this a question?  No, women are not unlimited.) Interesting scene for the first nice conversation piece, it evokes curiosity. WOMEN ARE very curious positively.  (I’m going to take that as a compliment…even though…I don’t think it is.).  You know that no depressive spells fun browsing “My heart was broken That now I’m on the search for true love” are using. Strong Women Want, positive-minded and open men have. (This is the first section that makes sense.  Strong women do want positive-minded and open men have.  Ok.  Maybe we should move on to step two.)  Step two:  A guide to identify a date.  (If you need a guide to identify your date, you should probably go back to step one)  You repeat this process and always pull massive land dates. (Dating ocean mammals is too complicated for this guy to address)   Women want men to lean on, men with strength, men with a high school status (Bah ha ha  Yes, we women do want men with high school status…preferably higher status than that), On the original way she write buffer solution for example. (I like the random insertion of  buffer solutions.  This guy must have taken Chemistry 100)  Most men write. Wow!, Great eyes, full of pretty, blah blah blah … (This is one of the most excellent compliments I’ve ever heard :”Great eyes, full of pretty.” It’s sweet)  “Your nose looks full of cute, so my little sister dying” (Even better!  Minus the little sister who is dying..that’s just creepy)

In summary, It appears that my spammer is a one man German dating blogger show.  His advice is terrible, as is his ability to write in the English language, and his motives are completely indiscernible.  I’m a little worried that a tiny picture of my head is attached to a  comment below this text..but so far, I have not been contacted, so, I fold my hat in the search for spamswers.

One other thing I learned about spam:  ” On July 25, 2005, Russian spammer Vardan Kushnir, who is believed to have spammed every single Russian internet user, was found dead in his Moscow apartment, having suffered numerous blunt-force blows to the head. It is believed that Kushnir’s murder was unrelated to his spamming activities.  ”

….But we’ll never know….

A Post Where Jenny Responds to Spam

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It’s been a long weekend for me.  I did a lot of reading and a lot of writing for work related reasons.  Having just finished my final two page critique of a book, I am ready for a break.  Nothing helps me relax quite like reading my spam folder.  If you remember, the last spam item I presented was about bed wetting.  Today, I’m going to toss out a few of my favorite recent spam comments for your enjoyment:

Regarding my Drunk History post:  “This is really interesting, You are an excessively professional blogger. I look forward to in quest of extra of your fantastic post.”

My response:  Thank you Frankston Pool Cleaners, for you keen interest in my blog.  I can’t see how drunk history directly relates to pools, but I appreciate your vote of confidence when it comes to my professionalism.  Good luck in your quest of extra fantastic.

Regarding Rocky Mountain Oysters: “I reckon something really interesting about your blog so I saved to favorites.”

My response:  Thank you Nosejobs.uk.  I reckon almost everyone finds rocky mountain oysters interesting.  If you are trying to get me interested in a nose job by flaunting compliments on my blog, I reckon you’re barking up the wrong tree.  I saved your comment to favorites.

Regarding Woodpecker Eyes, the Hawful Truth: “I feel this is one of the such a lot important information for me. And i’m happy reading your article. However want to remark on some general things, The website style is ideal, the articles is really nice : D. Just right process, cheers”

My response:  Dear Therapist over the Phone website, I feel you are one of the such a lot of important therapy options out there.  I don’t need a phone therapist, nor do I know anyone who would trust a therapist they have to call on the phone on a 1-900 number. I kindly thank you for your compliment.  Ideal website styles are very hard to come by.  I do think I have found just the right process.  If you’re interested in a nose job, I have some contact information for you.

Regarding Spam is a State of Mind:  “Some great stuff at this site, efficiently shown and spot on the money.”

My response:  Why thank you, Sneaky Poo Toddlers.  I’ve always thought toddlers were sneaky.  I’m glad you have created an organization proclaiming this.  As you are presumably still children, you probably don’t know that ‘spot on the money’ is not quite how the saying goes.  But, I like it.  Carry on.

Regarding the entire blog: “A formidable share, I simply given this onto a colleague who was doing a bit analysis on this. And he in reality bought me breakfast because I discovered it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the deal with! But yeah Thnkx for spending the time to debate this, I feel strongly about it and love studying more on this topic. If attainable, as you develop into experience, would you thoughts updating your blog with extra details? It is extremely useful for me. Massive thumb up for this blog publish!”

My response:  Dear Dog Harness, in reality, I’m so delighted that your colleague bought you breakfast.  That you were hungry, what’s the deal with!  It is my pleasure to debate ‘this’, by which I can only assume you mean, ‘every topic I cover in my blog’.  I agree strongly that you should love studying more on this topic.  I hope to attain experience, as you mention, and will do my best to update my blog with extra details.  Honestly, I can’t imagine why my blog would be extremely useful for anyone.  So let me reword that:  Thanks for support the.