Are You a Faker….?

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Let me first say that I am not afraid to get dirty, and remain that way.  I grew up playing in the dirt.  I had feral rodents as pets, I put small sticks through my freshly pierced ears because I thought it made me look fierce.  I’m no stranger to germs, and I like to think that my immune system thanks me for being a germaphile.

With that in mind, I would like to bring your attention to something I have been noticing since I was about six years old:
Fake hand washing.
You all know exactly what I’m talking about.You go into a public restroom and use it.  Someone else is using it at the same time you are, and after you’re done, you both go to the sink to wash your hands.  The faker turns on the faucet for about three seconds, gets her hands wet for two seconds, and then turns the faucet off and walks out.  No soap.  Barely enough water – the backs of her hands were still dry.  I think I understand why people do this.
I’ve spent some time trying to get into the head of a fake-washer.  They think they’ll be ostracized for not washing their hands, even though they haven’t done anything they believe to be dirty.  Maybe they went into the stall to check the itchy spot in their armpit.  That doesn’t require hand washing right?  But then..if they come out of a stall and don’t wash their hands, people will look at them differently.

In public restrooms, I think we should all acknowledge that sometimes washing your hands is actually going to give you MORE germs than you had before.  In cases like those..where the faucet is caked in mystery dark substances or green with corrosion, or things just don’t smell right, I don’t wash my hands.  I don’t touch anything I don’t have to.

I told myself for about 29 years that urine was sterile.  If I accidentally peed on my own hand in a bathroom (which by the way…is pretty hard to do), I wasn’t being exposed to germs, I was actually cleaning my hand.  People sterilize wounds with urine all the time…like Jellyfish stings… right?
False.
Urine is not actually sterile when it leaves you body.  It’s sterile until it comes into contact with the bacteria loitering in your urethra.
I would like to request publicly: If I am ever seriously injured, please do not urinate in my wounds.

What am I getting at?
Fake hand washing is ridiculous.  It makes you look like a fraud.  It makes you look confused.  Like you’re not certain whether you did something gross or not, and you’re covering your tracks half-heartedly. I would rather you walk from the stall with your head held high, confident that you are clean, than have you fake-wash your hands.
I get it.  You don’t have to pretend to stay clean around me.  I’ve lived in Africa.  I ate dinner from the same bowl as five children who didn’t use toilet paper.
I won’t judge you if you choose not to wash your hands.  I might not take food from you, but I’ll respect your confidence.

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