Category Archives: Dark Humor

She Only Murders on the Weekend

Standard

This weekend I went to my nephew’s birthday party.  He turned nine.

If you want to have fun at a party, I highly recommend going to one for a nine year old.  Although, it’s probably best if you don’t show up at one of these parties uninvited.  That might be inappropriate.

At my nephew’s party, there were four kids present.  Two nine year olds, a six year old, and an eleven year old.  Our dinner conversation was both stimulating and confusing.  The kids decided to tell scary stories.  I tried very hard to concentrate, but there were entire plot lines that bordered on nonsensical.  My favorite story went like this:

There was a boy, and he um, was upstairs sleeping.  His friends told him about a booger monster, but he didn’t believe them, and he was um, um, upstairs, but he wasn’t really sleeping, he was just laying in bed, and then his parents went out for a party.  He heard the door open and thought that his parents were home, so he yelled, “Mom?  Dad?” but they didn’t answer and then he um, the stairs were creaky, um, then the door closed, and he heard someone coming down the hall, and then, and his parents weren’t really home yet, but there was someone coming, and he thought, oh, it must be my parents, and then, um, a booger monster yelled up the stairs, “Billy, I’m a booger monster, and I’m on your first step.”

Um, then billy knew it wasn’t his parents.  Then the monster went to the second step.  He yelled, “Billy, I’m a booger monster, and I’m on your second step.”  And Billy had twenty five steps, so this took a long time, and the monster kept coming, and then it reached the door, and came into Billy’s room, and um, Billy was under the covers, and then it came up to the bed, and then Billy threw off his covers.  And then…and then..Oh no!  I forget the end of the story!

I could barely contain myself.  Most adults can’t tell a story that keeps me on the edge of my seat like this one did.

After dinner we made ice cream sundays.  I was sitting nearest to the cake cutting knife, so I kept a hand on it.  I didn’t want one of the kids to get a wild hair and try to grab it to cut their own cake.  My nephew’s nine year old girlfriend screamed when she saw me gripping the knife.  “Ah!  Jenny is going to kill us!  She has a weapon!”

I stared back into her little round eyes and whispered, “The last kid who tattled on me was never seen again.”   At this, my nephew started cracking up.  He assured his friend that Aunt Jenny wouldn’t hurt anyone.  The little girl realized it was a game, so became bolder, “You’re a murderer aren’t you??”

Nathan leaned in, “Don’t worry, she only murders on the weekends.”

The girl relaxed, then her eyes shot to mine as she screeched, “It’s Saturday!!!”

Kids are fun.

Advertisements

Dear Pa, Someone Wants You Cremated

Standard

Yesterday I received a letter for my father.  He lives 3,299 miles away from me.   We’ve all been told that opening someone else’s mail is a federal crime right?   It is. *

I live on the edge.  Also, it looked like spam – so I opened it.

Inside was the most tasteful, oddly compelling, letter about the benefits of cremation.  There was even a disclaimer at the bottom that read, “Please accept our apologies if this letter has reached you at a time of serious illness or death in your family.”  Nice right?  I have a terrible cold right now, so I appreciated the apology.

Anyway, there are some real benefits to cremation.  Did you know, for example, that cremation arrangements may qualify as an exempt asset when filing for Medicaid assistance?   Planning to be cremated now also means your family won’t fall victim to ‘up-selling’ at the parlor when you finally kick the bucket.

I don’t know if I can properly explain why I fell over laughing when I read this letter.  It’s obviously a dark subject – my own father’s cremation.  But, of all the mail that would be sent to someone else ‘by accident’ I found it incredible (and frankly, very unlikely) that it would be an advertisement for cremation.  Most of the ‘pluses’ to cremation have to do with the benefits to the living members of the family.  If I were a crematorium, I would probably accidentally send these letters to the offspring of people in the ‘older’ generation too.  It’s a brilliant marketing scheme.

The assumption is that parents are much more likely to cave to the requests of their children about how to deal with their bodies, than they are to respond to a letter from a crematorium.

In the case of my father, this letter didn’t have a chance.  Regardless of whether it had gone directly to him, or been regurgitated by me.  He’s made it very clear in the past that he hopes to die at sea.  And if that isn’t possible, in the woods – where he hopes to be eaten by a pack of wild animals.

*    TITLE 18–CRIMES AND CRIMINAL PROCEDURE

PART I–CRIMES
CHAPTER 83–POSTAL SERVICE
Sec. 1702. Obstruction of correspondence

Whoever takes any letter, postal card, or package out of any post
office or any authorized depository for mail matter, or from any letter
or mail carrier, or which has been in any post office or authorized
depository, or in the custody of any letter or mail carrier, before it
has been delivered to the person to whom it was directed, with design to
obstruct the correspondence, or to pry into the business or secrets of
another, or opens, secretes, embezzles, or destroys the same, shall be
fined under this title or imprisoned not more than five years, or both.