Tag Archives: humor

Jenny Replies to Spam

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It’s been far too long since I’ve taken a moment to appreciate my spam.  When I took a look at the spam folder this evening, I was delighted to discover 57 spam messages.  Most were in response to my Bigfoot post.  Here goes!

American Airways writes, “I precisely wanted to appreciate you once again. I do not know what I would’ve gone through in the absence of those tips documented by you over that situation. It had been a real fearsome circumstance in my position, nevertheless noticing this skilled fashion you treated it made me to jump with delight.  Most likely you’ve never met any of us.”

Dear American Airways, This is precisely the kind of letter I enjoy getting.  I’m not sure what you would have gone through either, had you not read my blog post about Bigfoot.  I was a little surprised to learn that American Airways cares so much about large hairy non-creatures.  Nevertheless, I jumped with delight when I realized that so many of you were people I’ve never met.

Rocio Deckert writes, “Hello Splendid job. I did not anticipate this. This is a fantastic story. Thanks!”

Dear Rocio, My name is Jenny, not Splendid job.  I did not anticipate your lack of anticipation.  Bigfoot is a fantastic story.  You’re welcome!

Alissa Oberpriller writes, “You command get bought an nervousness over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come more formerly again since exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this hike.”

Dear Alissa, What?  Did you just threaten me?

Gilda writes, “I carry on listening to the rumor lecture.  Could you tell me please, where could i get some?”

Dear Gilda, I think it’s called the rumor mill.  You shouldn’t listen to it.  But, if you must know where you can get some more rumors, follow me to my workplace.  Offices are a great place to carry on listening to rumors.

Kattie Ordman writes, “Gloria enjoys setting aside time for internet research and it’s simple to grasp why.  Our favorite child is certainly studying a whole lot. Take advantage of the rest of the year.”

Dear Kattie, Gloria has it exactly right.  It is important to set aside time for internet research.  But, I am concerned that she, and you, show such open favoritism when it comes to your children.  I plan on taking advantage of the rest of the year.  Tell Gloria I said hello.

Josette writes, “You made blogging look easy.”

Dear Josette, It is pretty easy.  Thanks for noticing.

Gregory writes, “Hank you for the good writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to far added agreeable from you! By the way, how can we communicate?”

Dear Greg,  Can I call you Greg?  Hank you for your nice spam letter.  It in fact was a amusing.  We can not communicate.  This is our last communication.

Myeloma Matters writes, “My husband and i have been very relieved that Michael managed to finish up.  It’s not at all simplistic to simply always be handing out solutions.”

Dear Myeloma, Who is Michael?  I’m relieved too.  I was worried about him finishing up.  Now we can move on.

Willis writes, “Excellent goods from you, man. I’ve understand your stuff previous to and you are just extremely magnificent. I really like what you have acquired here, certainly like what you’re saying and the way in which you say it. You make it enjoyable and you still care for to keep it smart. I can not wait to read much more from you. This is actually a terrific site.”

Dear Willis, I have never been called extremely magnificent, but I could get used to it.  I really like your goods too, man.  I do care for to keep it smart, so that I can create terrific blog posts for people like you.

Dave writes, “I just desire to say your article is as astonishing. The clarity in your post is simply great and i could assume you are an expert on this subject.”

Dear Dave, I don’t think I can be considered an expert on the subject of Bigfoot, but I really appreciate your compliment. I desire to say that you are too kind.

Religion Outlet writes, “Sooner or later, Mcdougal will get you.”

Dear Religion Outlet,  Should I be worried?

A Post Where Jenny Responds to Spam

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It’s been a long weekend for me.  I did a lot of reading and a lot of writing for work related reasons.  Having just finished my final two page critique of a book, I am ready for a break.  Nothing helps me relax quite like reading my spam folder.  If you remember, the last spam item I presented was about bed wetting.  Today, I’m going to toss out a few of my favorite recent spam comments for your enjoyment:

Regarding my Drunk History post:  “This is really interesting, You are an excessively professional blogger. I look forward to in quest of extra of your fantastic post.”

My response:  Thank you Frankston Pool Cleaners, for you keen interest in my blog.  I can’t see how drunk history directly relates to pools, but I appreciate your vote of confidence when it comes to my professionalism.  Good luck in your quest of extra fantastic.

Regarding Rocky Mountain Oysters: “I reckon something really interesting about your blog so I saved to favorites.”

My response:  Thank you Nosejobs.uk.  I reckon almost everyone finds rocky mountain oysters interesting.  If you are trying to get me interested in a nose job by flaunting compliments on my blog, I reckon you’re barking up the wrong tree.  I saved your comment to favorites.

Regarding Woodpecker Eyes, the Hawful Truth: “I feel this is one of the such a lot important information for me. And i’m happy reading your article. However want to remark on some general things, The website style is ideal, the articles is really nice : D. Just right process, cheers”

My response:  Dear Therapist over the Phone website, I feel you are one of the such a lot of important therapy options out there.  I don’t need a phone therapist, nor do I know anyone who would trust a therapist they have to call on the phone on a 1-900 number. I kindly thank you for your compliment.  Ideal website styles are very hard to come by.  I do think I have found just the right process.  If you’re interested in a nose job, I have some contact information for you.

Regarding Spam is a State of Mind:  “Some great stuff at this site, efficiently shown and spot on the money.”

My response:  Why thank you, Sneaky Poo Toddlers.  I’ve always thought toddlers were sneaky.  I’m glad you have created an organization proclaiming this.  As you are presumably still children, you probably don’t know that ‘spot on the money’ is not quite how the saying goes.  But, I like it.  Carry on.

Regarding the entire blog: “A formidable share, I simply given this onto a colleague who was doing a bit analysis on this. And he in reality bought me breakfast because I discovered it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the deal with! But yeah Thnkx for spending the time to debate this, I feel strongly about it and love studying more on this topic. If attainable, as you develop into experience, would you thoughts updating your blog with extra details? It is extremely useful for me. Massive thumb up for this blog publish!”

My response:  Dear Dog Harness, in reality, I’m so delighted that your colleague bought you breakfast.  That you were hungry, what’s the deal with!  It is my pleasure to debate ‘this’, by which I can only assume you mean, ‘every topic I cover in my blog’.  I agree strongly that you should love studying more on this topic.  I hope to attain experience, as you mention, and will do my best to update my blog with extra details.  Honestly, I can’t imagine why my blog would be extremely useful for anyone.  So let me reword that:  Thanks for support the.

Spam Is A State Of Mind

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WordPress has a handy spam filter.  It somehow knows when comments are from real people, and when they’re from websites, or scammers.  I don’t know how it does this, but I appreciate it.  Today, however, I’m going to delve into my spam folder and pull out a comment in the spirit of “There are no stupid questions.”

Several weeks ago, I received a comment from a bed wetting website in regards to my post about leaf blowers.  I didn’t see the connection, and apparently, neither did WordPress.

“What problems (if any) do former bedwetters have as adults, as a result of their bedwetting as children?”

I will not name this website for several reasons.

1. I don’t want to give free advertisement to an internet parasite.
2. I don’t think it’s a very good site.  I went to it, to check it out.

However, I will answer the question, since there is an infinitesimally small chance that it was sent by a real person, who works for the bedwetting website, and who is honestly asking me, an expert on many things,* for my opinion.  In fact, I did wet the bed as a kid, so I have first hand knowledge of problems that former bed wetters have as adults.

Us former bed wetters get really sensitive about spam regarding our former bed wetting.  That’s probably the biggest problem we have.  The second biggest is that sometimes we still have dreams where we’re sitting on a toilet, peeing.  These were the dreams that really nailed us early in life.  We used to sleep right through them.

Other than that, I think I’m a pretty well adjusted individual.

I would like to have a conversation with the person in charge of sending out stupid spam questions at the bed wetting website.  I’d like to know if this kind of stunt works.  Who sees a comment in their spam folder and then thinks “You know, I should visit that site because they’re asking incredibly thoughtful questions.”  No one.  If you’re trying to get people to visit your bed wetting website, you don’t ask them what problems bed wetters have!  I could have written a dozen spam questions that would have drummed up more business.

1.  Tired of waking up in pools of your own urine?  Yeah.  You should be.  Why not take care of your pesky problem NOW.

2.  Scared stiff of sleepovers?  No one likes the idea of accidentally peeing on their boyfriend, we can help!

3.  Dreaming of toilets?  Flush that!

4.  Are you a bed wetter?  It’s probably because of a witch.  We know Wiccan.  We know the cure!

5.  It’s not your fault.  Nothing is your fault.  You’re perfect.  Except for when you’re covered in urine.

6.  Are diapers starting to chafe?  Get a life.

I know what you’re all thinking.  I have a future in advertisement.  I’ve thought about it.  I really have.  But, it wouldn’t be fair to all of those weak minded people who are drawn in by fantastic pitches.  I don’t want to interfere with the economy^.

 

* my tongue is in my cheek
^ I really don’t want to mess with the economy.

Dear Pa, Someone Wants You Cremated

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Yesterday I received a letter for my father.  He lives 3,299 miles away from me.   We’ve all been told that opening someone else’s mail is a federal crime right?   It is. *

I live on the edge.  Also, it looked like spam – so I opened it.

Inside was the most tasteful, oddly compelling, letter about the benefits of cremation.  There was even a disclaimer at the bottom that read, “Please accept our apologies if this letter has reached you at a time of serious illness or death in your family.”  Nice right?  I have a terrible cold right now, so I appreciated the apology.

Anyway, there are some real benefits to cremation.  Did you know, for example, that cremation arrangements may qualify as an exempt asset when filing for Medicaid assistance?   Planning to be cremated now also means your family won’t fall victim to ‘up-selling’ at the parlor when you finally kick the bucket.

I don’t know if I can properly explain why I fell over laughing when I read this letter.  It’s obviously a dark subject – my own father’s cremation.  But, of all the mail that would be sent to someone else ‘by accident’ I found it incredible (and frankly, very unlikely) that it would be an advertisement for cremation.  Most of the ‘pluses’ to cremation have to do with the benefits to the living members of the family.  If I were a crematorium, I would probably accidentally send these letters to the offspring of people in the ‘older’ generation too.  It’s a brilliant marketing scheme.

The assumption is that parents are much more likely to cave to the requests of their children about how to deal with their bodies, than they are to respond to a letter from a crematorium.

In the case of my father, this letter didn’t have a chance.  Regardless of whether it had gone directly to him, or been regurgitated by me.  He’s made it very clear in the past that he hopes to die at sea.  And if that isn’t possible, in the woods – where he hopes to be eaten by a pack of wild animals.

*    TITLE 18–CRIMES AND CRIMINAL PROCEDURE

PART I–CRIMES
CHAPTER 83–POSTAL SERVICE
Sec. 1702. Obstruction of correspondence

Whoever takes any letter, postal card, or package out of any post
office or any authorized depository for mail matter, or from any letter
or mail carrier, or which has been in any post office or authorized
depository, or in the custody of any letter or mail carrier, before it
has been delivered to the person to whom it was directed, with design to
obstruct the correspondence, or to pry into the business or secrets of
another, or opens, secretes, embezzles, or destroys the same, shall be
fined under this title or imprisoned not more than five years, or both.

Are You My Cadaver?

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I have a friend living in New York City.
She and I met in Kolda, Senegal, while serving in the Peace Corps.
We’ll call her Heather, which may or may not be her name.

She is one of the most colorful, generous, lively women that I know.  She is also, in the best possible way, a little crazy.  I love this about her, because it means I can never know what to expect from a phone call, or a visit.  The last time I saw her, she was almost dragged from JFK airport by security for throwing party favors in baggage claim.
I once received a six minute voicemail detailing her intricate and horrifyingly grotesque halloween costume.  The fact that it was a costume managed to slip her mind, so the whole time I was listening, I thought she had been seriously injured.

Are you wondering why this blog is entitled:  Are you my cadaver?  I’m almost there.
Heather has gone back to school for her doctorate.  She is studying physical therapy.
This morning, I discovered a note that she hastily jotted, and sent to me in a package almost two years ago.
It got me reminiscing.

In said note, Heather was excitedly confessing her latest morbid fetish.
She knew that within months, she would be entering the cadaver lab at her school.  She would be assigned a body, donated to the school in the name of science.  To say that she was excited about the opportunity to see the inner workings of a human body would be a colossal understatement.  She was overwhelmed with curiosity, jittery with anticipation.
She was so excited that she had begun following elderly people around New York City, watching them, analyzing the way their muscles moved, wondering to herself, “Are you my cadaver?”
She couldn’t tear herself away from them.  She confessed to having followed an elderly man for almost six blocks past her apartment door.

I realize that this may sound really disturbing to some of you.  Keep in mind that Heather is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met.  I have no doubt that if any of the elderly people she was stalking stopped her and asked what she was doing, she would have made a full confession.  She would have wormed her way into their hearts, I have no doubt at all.

Regardless, I did make a phone call after receiving that note.  I left a message because she was probably too busy tailing a retired person to answer.  I kept it simple.
“Hey Heather, I just wanted to leave a quick message to let you know that I got your note, and also to tell you that you can’t follow elderly people around hoping for them to die.  It’s not right.  It’s creepy.  I think you know that.  Anyway, I’ll talk to you later.  Bye.”